i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
