She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize