the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
