You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
