I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
