In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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