We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
