Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Redeem this text for a blowjob
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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