Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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