Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
