This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
