I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
