i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize