Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
the raccoons are back...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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