i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
