You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
