I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize