Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
