Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
