the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize