So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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