Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
