I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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