That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
