I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize