They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
