Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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