when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
