I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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