i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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