my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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