maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
