I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
