She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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