I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
