can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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