Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
whose parrot is this?
third nipple confirmed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
