apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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