toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
