If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
