If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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