It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
