I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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