Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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