my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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