Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
