made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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