You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
