just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
