I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is Oprah even human
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize