i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
