i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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