She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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