i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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