my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
