someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
