I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
