apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
