my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize