if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
