somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
