Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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